Aug 29, 2004
Drink deep my friend, forget your Kaleidovision, for the unforgiven know not what we say

i feel like dying. i really see no point in living anymore. im trying really hard not to get back on crack, but its really hard once youve tasted the freedom. i started school yesterday. everyone keeps looking at me weird. i know why. I looked in the mirror today. I mean really looked though, not just checking if you look decent. I look like a junkie. black rings under my eyes, mouth sulky, whispy hair everywhere, unhealthily pale, tired eyes, huge pupils, crumpled clothes. no wonder everyone thinks im weird, ugh. my step dad comes up to me today and looks me hard in the face, in a calculating way, and asks me straight up if ive been smoking shit. I said piss off and pushed past him. let the bastard think what he wants! i dont really give a rats ass.
......................................................................................................................................

its so great. everyone loves me even more now at school *wry grin* I have a problem with anger. i keep it bottled inside and dont say anything about whats pissing me off. it just builds and builds and i go insane inside. I was in gym class and the teacher was teaching us Judo, its something i do really well cz id taken it in London for defense and cz it released my stress. she kept on correcting me and saying i was wrong and i knew i was right! i was getting really pissed and i was opening my mouth to tell her and i felt this hot irony tasting liquid fill my mouth, and it started trickling out my mouth.  everyone including the teacher was looking at me like theyd seen the devil. i touched my mouth and my fingers came away touched with thick blood. i kinda stopped bleeding, wondering with half fascination half dread if i was dying. then i my body racked with a coughing spasm, choking up a steady stream of blood onto my hands and onto the floor. The other girls started screaming and going hysterical, including the teacher....freakin wusses. I was on my knees being stabbed by this incredible pain in my stomach, like i was being stabbed with a rusty knife, the blood had slowed a little and i was trying to wipe my mouth of the irony liquid. After a while i deserted the idea that anyone would actually help me,you know, the girl coughing blood on the floor??! So i got up myself, blood dribbling abit down my chin as i tried to hold it in. I was going to mumble, thanks alot!, but i thought better of it as i imagined spraying my teacher....hehe, funny, but not worth the effort of aiming.
Managed to stumble to the infirmary without passing out with pain too ofter. All the bitch said when i got there is that i gotta wait it out while she got an ambulance, and then take some pills. she looked really blank, think shes the one smoking mary jane on the side! not me. anyway, it calmed down a bit. and i got to ride in an ambulance!! HAHA!! there was this one medic, bout 19, he kept on grinning at me and finding an excuse to touch my stomach, to "check where ive got the ulcer." ..............i dont think thats the reason mate. hehe. he was kinda cute......but im not that type of asshole chick who goes mushy at the sight of a guy! im sorry, that just pisses me off.  he was sweet though, gave me something to rinse the blood out of my mouth and something to ease the spasming. He said i probly have a severe bleedin ulcer, probly in my small intestine seeing as the blood came so quickly.

Ugh, anyway. theres my absolutely wonderfull day full of morgue dust and dead butterflys (my ideal day). Cons: Everyone thinks im extremely weird.
Rumours got out im a cutter (not a bad thing, but it stops me from being able to play guitar with some people....they think i might strangle them with the guitar strings....not a bad idea)
Wasting so much beautiful blood  

Pros: got 2 drive in an ambulance,
saw buckets of blood,
freaked some people out,
met someone cool
got some medicine that might make me hallucinate......awesome! haha, almost like opium ;) mmmm.


Posted at 11:23 pm by DeadEyes
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Aug 26, 2004
ouch

Ok, i just looked at my blog, and ive really gotta start writing shorter entries! the last 2 are so bloody long its unbelievable.....ofcours this should in no way discourage you from reading them, but then *ponders ominously* do i really want you to read them? *conflicting emotions* ok well just bugger off or stay and read the whole frikin lot! i dont care!! except, if this is you steven *malicious glare that strips his skin off* get the fuck outa this place. that is if you even know that i have a blog!!

Argh...im gonna stop here *sheepish grin* dont wanna make this too long.....ill leave that for the next entry! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *manic feverish eyes* *runs off screaming insanely*

Posted at 10:12 pm by DeadEyes
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Aug 24, 2004
So once again, we die, and once again, we die alone

Great. My mom took me shopping today....yeeeeaaaaah,i was sooooo stoked *dead pan look* right. I hate shopping, its so full of shit. Ok,so i mean other girls go all like "YEAH!! SHOOOPPPIIING!!! WAHOO!!! like girl youve gotta try this on,and do you like this?its all like pink and glitteryyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! noway?!?!?! theres 50 new shades of pink lipstick!!"...........right. Well thats not me.Im quite happy in my old black clothes thank you very much, so you can just stick it where the sun dont shine baby.

Anyway, its not like i hate my mom or something. I love her alot, cz shes my mom and all. But she really doesnt know squat about me. i lived with her for 10 frikin years *bitter smile* shes never cared, thats all. Now i cant say the same for Mr. screwy that is. Hes just bloody annoying.

Anyway.........(i think thats the second time i said that........oh well, one last time!!!!!) Anyway, had 2 get some clothes for school *pull face* she wanted me to get something decent and not goth *blank face* ah screw that. She chose some purple "ensamble" its called apparently, and bought it for me........ i got some other black stuff tho! without her seeing. YEAH! hehe.

 

......................................................................................................................................

*sigh* well, I gues a good place to start in a blog is about me.......tell you whats happened in my life.... should i tell you??? *crowd:The suspense is killllliiing us!! tell us!!!* ........right, like i would ever draw a crowd??? watever. Well, suppose i should start from SA days.... my parents divorced when i was 10. from then on it was swapping back and forth. My mom wanted to see me sometimes, not all the time though, cz she didnt really like me and she knew i loved dad more. But she didnt want him to get custody, cz it was a spite thing...arg, the complexities of pettiness, really stupid. Anyway, the fight went on quite a bit for custody, while this was going on I had 2 be with my mom. I hated it. So much! i know it was stupid, and completely pathetic to do it.....but my life was so hard, so confusing, i just wanted to jump out our flat and end the insanity....I couldnt.... i suppose im just a loser coward. Why couldnt i kill myself??!!! i dont understand. Its easier than living. It wouldve been the best desicion possible. Anyway, i just couldnt do it. As well as all this, i had traces of a cancer in my lungs. That kind of pushed me over the edge. I started taking heroin, i was about 13. It gave me such a high, i could just get away from everything....nothing bothered me!! it was so awesome. I would sit in my room, high out of everything. Hear my music faintly in the back of my head. My muscles all relaxed, the pain physical and emotional was gone....no body renching coughing. no ripped soul. i was free. But when you come around, and its worn off, everything hits you 10 times harder. and i went into deep depression, which i drowned out with a higher doses of heroin. The one time I over dosed. I remember the day really clear. I went to court cz they were going to settle the custody. The judge went in favour of my mom........she had a more stable job and environment.....i couldnt believe it!! my mom! i loved my dad so much, i hadnt seen him in nearly 2 months and hadnt lived with him for 3 fucking years. i couldve killed everyone in that room right then! how dare they choose my life for me!! i wanted to scream.............i started shaking, sweating alot....feeling like i was going to be sick.... i ran outside and sat on the pavement and sobbed....what else could i do? something else, i could take some heroin. So i was sitting in a side street, and i injected the sweet drug into my veins....i felt like i was flying!.......it was all over..............................................

the next thing i remember is im sitting in hospital, looking at a white roof. Id been hospititalised. My mom saw me wake up, she started crying and hugging me and calling out for the nurse. I just sort of looked at her, thinking "you bitch. Whyd you keep me alive?"

Id been out for 2 weeks. It was that long....apparently i was on life support aswell, and more complications cz of my cancer. I think the virus isnt the cancer, i think all the people around are my cancer....killing me slowly, killing me painfully.

 

When i was ready to go home, everyone had decided for me to go to rehab......rehab, the curse of all who find an escape from life........... Im not sure if it was the best or worst time of my life...... i gues it was both really.

It was hard...i had to give up everything.....i had to give up me freedom in so many ways! the only good thing was i made so many close friends. Friends that didnt judge because they were exactly the same as you. We all had nick names. Something that the councilors couldnt figure out.

There was spooner. He was kind of hyper active, but really sweet. If you pissed him off though hed go psycho like a bomb. We named him Spooner becuz he always carried spoons around with him, hooked on the idea that one day hed kill a councilor with a spoon, and he attacked people with his spoons if they pissed him off...hehe........ive never heard of someone doing that! he was strange like that though. He was addicted to Mary Jane. Got hooked after he found out his parents had been killed.
Ah, there were some really good people there. I didnt get close to alot of them. Something ive learnt over a life of moving all over and then swapping back and forth between parents.
There was this one guy who was about 17 i think. His name was Ross. I didnt call him by his nickname all the time, only in person. I named him verus, which is latin for heart felt. It was becuz he was such a gentle soul. He was the kindest, most thoughtfull caring person ive ever met. Everything hurt him though. He was adopted, then they died, and he was adopted again. His adopted parents couldnt handle him after a while becuz theyd never had kids before and Ross didnt talk alot and never payed attention in school. He just didnt want to deal with anything. Anyway, his mother left his father, and his father took it out on him. He beat him up alot, it really hurt him. He got hooked on crack and ecstacy; he just had to find a way to save him from the pain. Then social workers came over and screwed his life up even more, put him in rehab and didnt let him take any of his possesions for some reason. Anyway, he didnt talk after that, when he did he stuttered, but even saying that, what came out his mouth was the best advice you would ever get. Full of pure love, wisdom and compassion...... im not sure whats became of him after i left.........
There was also this other girl. We called her dead eyes. It was a sort of contradictory name, cz she had the prettiest eyes. But they were filled with pain, and her pupils were always huge. but u could never really tell what she was feeling, cz she could make her eyes totally blank and lifeless, something that leaves you unsure of where you stand... But i loved her. She was my best friend ever, something that ive never come across again after her. She new just the right things to say, and when to not say anything at all. And the stuff she wrote! the most awesome poetry ive ever read with the most meaning. Her and Ross would sit for hours, just talking and writing stuff. She was one of the only people that Ross could talk to forever and not stutter. They were like brother and sister, even closer. Sometimes i was jealous because they complimented each other so much, they were like two sides of the same coin.
I dont suppose her life was as hard as it could get, but then maybe it was harder than most of us. She had this type of illness, where her body would send out false signals of pain, the most agonising pain possible. Some days shed just have to stay in bed and wait for it to fade a little bit. I still wonder if her eyes were just full of pain from the physical, or whether it was from all she lost. Cz, you see, even though us junkies ruined our lives for a bit, we had them, and we could possibly redeem them...but she didnt have nor could lead a normal life. She could never do anything physical, but she was still sharp and caring. She was in because she had to take morphine for the pain. She went into depression and had so much pain that she started to overdoes, finding it helped so much. She technically died for 10 minutes, but they managed to save her. her parents decided to put her in rehab for a little while just to help her out.......(right...just to help their consciouses becuz they werent there for her)...she never wanted to tell anyone, none of us wanted to. so none of us did. So our memories and pain die with us...and we die alone.

 


Posted at 10:26 pm by DeadEyes
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Aug 20, 2004
Back home........

So im back home....I should be happy right? yeah. im not. Ive moved back to Australia coz my mom lives there. After my dad lost his job he couldnt afford to "keep" me, as he put it...what? Am i a bloody dog or something??? watever. Anyway. I dont care if he doesnt have money. I would have stayed with him even if I had 2 get knifed while sleeping in a door way. Its my decision anyway. Instead i get flown off to my mom in Australia. Coming along with the package is her new bloody husband. Great. I tried 2 make a phone call 2 my dad and my step totally freaked and nearly kicked my ass. Started shouting about how expensive it was to make a phone call 2 London and that they were taking me in as a guest and should respect it. I was like, gees!! you know i am related to my mom! and id pay for the bloody phone bill if it was such a big frikin deal! besides, i had just moved from my home to come to some bloody sheep farming hippy village and you wont even let my call my dad???!! watever. he can piss off. didnt even get a welcome from my mom. she was at home feeding the new baby. BY THE WAY!! another shock! no one ever told me she was even pregnant! im her only child and she cant even sent me bloody letter if the phone bill was too much for Stevens pathetic loser job. So i get to australia greeted by some lumbering oaf hurrying me up so he can get home quickly while on the way giving me skew looks at my attire. Hello? have you never seen a goth in ur backside of the world sheep community?? anyway. I get there and my mom didnt even give me a proper welcome. After shoving the baby into Stevens arms she gave me hug.......yeah thats it. Then she poked herself on one of my spikes and started moaning like it was the end of the world. I just stood there with my arms crossed and was like, um, thats kinda why i wear them,so u cant get close.
...........................................................................................................
Great. My mom sold all of my stuff from my old room when they moved....Its so lonely here. They gave me a tiny room in the corner of the house. Some empty shell of a bedroom. I dont have anything familliar here with me. I thought she'd atleast save my old stuff you know? all my nirvana and slipknot posters are gone. even my lava lamp........*sigh* i couldnt bring alot of my stuff from London. Too many bags or something psychotically sad like that. Im sitting in the middle of the floor typing on my laptop. One upside right? got to save my pc...ill be surprised if Steven and my mom dont try to pawn it soon...to buy diapers or something.
Its really hot here, forgot how hot after rainy London.....I miss it. It was so full of life there.
Some static lightnings happening. No rain though. Im sitting in my Undies on the floor. Trying to cool off or maybe just creep out the neighbours who keep on trying to peek into my room from theres. Its only 10. Ive unpacked all my books and cds so far, not that theres anywhere to put them...like i said, my rooms empty xcept for a bed. maybe they thought id be some nature freak in2 simplicity.........HA!! riiiight, watevr! like i would be a nature freak. Id probably scare everything off.
Arg, i hate this place so much! theres nothing here for me. I know this because ive lived here. And it was one of the worst times of my life. The place is beautifull, but i just started belonging in London after I left SA, and now i had 2 leave and come here?? I dont even have people I know or love here. Yes, im excluding my mom because shes always hated me. I stopped her from becoming professional buisness manager. *sigh* anyway. Im just hoping and praying, to no God in particular seeing as i dont believe in them cz theyve never been there for me, that my dad will get a job and i can get out of this hell hole of hollow feelings and back into my life............ I still miss SA, so its gonna take me even longer 2 get over London..........................................................
Watever..................best plan of action is to withdraw, no one needs to know im here.......they wont care anyway......

Posted at 11:07 pm by DeadEyes
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Lifes so cold without you.........i need someone. I need you. ........But everyones gone on without me..........


What I like to do and sometimes do without thinking: Watchng the sun slit its wrists and let its blood spill over the sea while the bloated moon watches wth murderous glee.Watching the colour drain from a face of torture,as the sun rises frm the dead and drowns the moon in salty tears.
Sit in the cold night air on my roof, wishing i could fly away from everything. Feeling the soft breath of wind on my face as i stand on the brink of destruction.
Piss people off. Fade off into my world and think nothing but the idle thoughts of the psychoticly mad goth. Thoughts of death, life, rebirth, my imaginary playmate Vince, my past, my future, the undecided, the unforgiven.

My favorite things:
Drawing, sketching, painting, photography, my reflex camera, poetry, writing, music: Heavy metal, rock, hard rock, alternative, goth, some punk but not alot. Nirvana,Deftones, Alien Ant Farm, System of a Down, Korn, In Flames,Guns'n'Roses,Bob Marley,The Cure,Faithless,Smashing Pumpkins,Seether,Metallica, Iron Maiden, Greenday, R.A.T.M, American Hi Fi, Everclear, Placebo, Marilyn Manson, Cradle of Filth, Dead Poetic, Blood Brothers, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, Muse, Slipknot, Cradle of Filth, slipknot....SLIPKNOT, At the Drive in, Glass jaw, 40 Below Summer, Blood Hound Gang, Foo Fighters, Stutterfly, Ill Nino, Killswitch Engage, Lacuna Coil, Non Point, P.O.D, Rancid, Papa Roach, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Sublime, TAPROOT, Trust company, Wheatus, Weird Al Yankovich......
Anything out of this world o.O

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